I've been in hiding for the past many months. I wish there was a better explanation, a more dignified way of saying it, but there's not. I've barely spoken to anybody, been mostly inactive on social media and on FA itself, and what little life I've shown hasn't been as strong as what I wanted.
I have a mental illness, I've come to find. I overthink things to the point that I become unable to function.
I am currently seeing a therapist, and have done all the standard looking-up of things on various health websites. There's been a lot of possible causes, and even more strategies to deal with them. Some have worked, some haven't, though I've been notoriously ineffective at sticking with any treatments, because.. you guessed it, overthinking. Some of these causes include Fibromyalgia, General Anxiety Disorder, ADHD/ADD, and simpler concepts like lack of sleep, and diabetes complications. (I have Type 1/Juvenile Diabetes)
What this means is that I've dug myself a huge hole, and let down a lot of people. I feel I've dissappointed commissioners; it's hard not to feel that way when it's been months since they ordered their artwork, and I've had a breakdown. I miss my friends unbearably much. The thought that I might've ruined things with the people I'm close with has been unbearable. Thoughts of reconnecting are also painful, because of overthinking. I think I'm gonna make a bullet point list of all the thoughts that have sabotaged me.
- How will I explain why I've been gone?
- Why would they believe that I really care when I just disappeared?
- How could they believe I will stay around consistently after this, when I've never proven I can?
- How will I myself believe I'll be around consistently? How can I tell anybody that I will, when I've been afraid and silent for so long?
- How will I find the time to have these long, meaningful conversations with all these people that have been incredibly kind and supportive? How will I find the words to say how much they mean to me? It will take hours for each person and they're many, and I don't want anybody to feel left out or unnappreciated. I'd always been afraid of sharing the TF interest that I love, and people opening up to me and supporting me means unbearably much; I never thought I'd be able to share this interest, so it feels like people literally make my dream come true.
- Will I come off as arrogant for saying I have so many people on my contacts list that want to talk to me? I feel incredibly lucky that many people want my attention, beyond commissioners even. I want people to know that I'm so thankful, yet by saying that I don't know how to find the time to talk to them all, do I appear unappreciative and ignorant?
- I've lost track of all the worries and how I might appear and what I might say and all the variables, all the complications, what do I do? How do I..? My mind hurts, I..
And then I just couldn't take it anymore. I was worrying myself into literally being sick and having migraines every night. I don't know the right way to deal with things. I feel like I've regressed into being a small child again sometimes. Maybe it's not that bad, maybe it's just genuine mind illness, or maybe I am a weak person. I don't know.
What I do know is that I want to communicate with people again, and I want to make this better. For my commissioners and my friends who I've neglected.
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This blog is meant to organize my thoughts. If the previous rambling is any indication, I'm really bad at this!!!
I have so much to say, and this blog will be my safe space to say it all. I will not hold back in what I say, I will worry less about how it is said. Just because I talk about one thing first, does not mean I don't care about the other things. I don't have to say everything at once in order to be fair. I am not hurting anybody by saying anything here. Hell, people likely have to be pretty dedicated to read through all this already.
This blog will also provide a good place for me to show that "Hey I already thought of that" when it comes to tweeting and posting art, or apologizing for my long absence. See, I have this really bad thing where I don't just overthink, I try to predict. I'm always anticipating if my actions/words will get somebody upset at me, or hurt them. I'm doing it right now. Am I making myself out to be an asshole by saying that I always automatically try to anticipate everything? Will people think that I think I'm way smarter than I actually am? Will people think it's just an excuse to be lazy? What is the one avenue of attack people will find to nail me, how are they going to get me? I have to find it, I have to know, I have to be one step ahead of them so that blah blah blah.
I honestly do feel like I come off as an asshole right now, but I say it from the bottom of my heart, I want to stop this. It's a disease. It hurts. I dreaded writing this whole damn blog post because of the amount of pain it would take to do so. So I don't want to be an asshole, I don't want to be that prick anymore. I want to change.
And you know what? While starting this blog did hurt a lot and took all my focus and willpower.. as I wrote, it did feel better and better. The key is/was, I cannot filter my thoughts anymore. I can't worry about how I will appear. I have to believe that the *queue saccharine cringe now* the love I feel for people and the passion I have for my interests will shine through all the evil garbage my analytical mind spews forth.
I feel that I have no direction with the paragraphs that I'm writing right now. I feel I have no driving theme, and that anybody reading this would find it really annoying. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I worry that my message and point won't come across. That's entirely possible, but I'm trying. At least I'm trying. That's far better than what I was doing before. I have to believe that.
And if I'm being real right now, my mind is hurting because I can't remember if I made all the points and included all the apologies I wanted. There's uncountable things I want to say, but I will just have to believe that I'll get to them with repeated blog posts.
Thank you, always, for supporting me everybody.
Hey it's Tasvyn, I'm proud you posted something like this, it's truly in depth and helpful in understanding what all has gone on. I know how it is to overthink, struggling for years with it. Know many of your friends will read this, and still welcome you back with open wings and arms Kulbara ^^
ReplyDeleteThank you Tasvyn, I feel like I've barely spent time with you, yet you've always been extremely supportive and a great friend. I'd like to talk to you more on how you've experienced similar things, because I know you have. You are really awesome, thank you so much.
DeleteYou're welcome to reach out anytime friend and I'll answer as soon as I can, just don't feel stressed or pressured or overthink on it, take your time and reach out when you're smiling and feeling like you can ^.^
DeleteThese situations tend to snowball themselves into bigger and bigger issues, and so it is with an esteemed sense of relief that I can say that I'm proud of you for taking the time to write all of this down for everyone to see. Putting yourself out there, especially within the surreal, superficial society that is the internet, is hard.
ReplyDeleteI feel a great empathy towards your situation as my own boyfriend went through something similar in the recent past. The constant keeping up with everyone you care for takes an immense amount of effort, and even moreso the more companions you have. Once again, this can tend to snowball small issues into bigger and bigger ones. Trying to please a large social circle, and overthinking/over-analyzing the consequences of even skipping a day or two communicating can, to put it bluntly, make you go mad.
However, if anyone has even remotely taken the time to have a conversation with you, then they would easily agree with me when I say we care about you unconditionally. For me personally, the commission I asked for was intentionally vague just because all I wanted was to see you draw some more. I'm happy to not only support your art financially, but also your wellbeing when times are tough for both you and Zangy. I feel at the very least it goes with having your back as a friend.
It is one step to acknowledge the issue within yourself, and a complete other to plan and act out on steps to change yourself. You are of course in the latter category, and you should know that everyone you care for will do their best to support you and your goals. You're already taking things nice and slow, which is good. You aim to really enact change within yourself, and all you need now is the support group to help you get there.
This might just be me personally, but this is plenty enough to serve as an explanation for your absence. I had my suspicions of course, but hearing you lay it all out brings comfort to anyone who was worried, including myself. And that's really all I felt: worry. No petty, selfish anger addled my mind, just worry for your well-being.
Relinquishing all of that intense thought of prediction is also rewarding. Towards the end there you're sounding as if you're already making mental breakthroughs. You're breaking the chains of your incapacitated, struggling mind by just letting yourself be at peace with what you say. In the beginning of the post you say that being able to express your TFy self to others and having them accept you made your dreams come true. That's being at peace with who you are. It's almost as if you might've made this journey before, just down a different avenue. Thinking of those similarities might help put your goals into perspective and make things easier.
I know I'm really notorious at this point with making these long, intricate posts as replies to whatever you say, but I really want you to understand that in the end, you don't have to reply with the same vigor or intensity. If you just wanna send a sentence or two, or a sticker, know that I'll still understand how you feel. In time you can always increase that level of intensity, but your willpower should dictate that, not my essays disguised as replies.
Thank you, always, for being the best dragon friend anyone could ask for!
I've read everything you wrote, and I can't accurately emphasize how much it means to me; it means a whole damn lot, it's making my heart melt in my chest right now, seriously. I really do want to respond to every point you made, I actually appreciate your detailed responses a lot. Artists often crave feedback, and you give some of the best anybody could hope for.
DeleteI will in time respond to every point, but you're right that it's difficult for me to right now. So I'll keep it short and just say that you really brought a lot of happiness to me, and you're the best bangaa friend a dragon could have.