The fear of rambling

My mind is scattered right now. There's a lot of fear in writing this, as the thought of readability keeps popping in. I keep feeling this desire to make my words/thoughts here coherent, and even more important, interesting, or at least interestingly worded.

I -cannot- do this. I must write what is actually on my mind, and the way in which I think it. This blog, this journal, is for me to get out what needs to be said, how it looks be damned. I've said it already but it bears repeating: For too long I've not posted or spoken with people because of fear of "doing it incorrectly". Getting anything out consistently would be better. (and besides, the fear of repitition is another ball-and-chain that I need to unburden myself of.)

I really do believe I can write in this damn blog every day. Normally I feel afraid to make such claims, but wanna know why this might be different? It actually feels good to do. There's no dread, I can just say whatever I want.

All of my art should be like this. Of course I need to listen to my commissioners. But if a customer asks for a spicy dragon TF, then -how- I draw that TF is still my choice. How I do any of this is my choice. 

Most importantly, art.. chatting.. These are supposed to be things that I do out of passion and enjoyment. Sure they can be hard work, but they should never be absolute dread. I'm still warming up to drawing without that poison in my brain, same with talking. (Though I am doing better already). But talking here at least is free.

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A whole lot of people reached out wonderfully in response to my last/first blog post, and it warmed my heart to levels I can't even communicate. Thank you all so much.

A number of people left comments on my FA journal, and some also on the blog post itself. I am going to respond in kind to all of you now. I am overthinking exactly what to say severely, I want to say the perfect thing to emphasize just how much those words meant to me, but I realize I'm stifling myself by going too hard on it. Part of me also worries that people will think I don't care because I took long to respond, but it isn't the case at all. I care; saying it here at least means something I hope.

Honestly, I feel exhausted, and that's what's been keeping me from typing out the replies. Parents and life have been taxing. Life isn't bad, just dealing with some life stuff combined with the anxiety has drained me. I really, really hope that in fighting that anxiety, it'll some day get to the point where it doesn't take so much out of me for seemingly simple tasks. Once again, this is supposed to be my recharging, my escape. I admit it's hard for me to "feel" how it might morph into that, even though I can understand it logically. I think I've just been living like this for so long that it's become normal to me. I have to believe it will change.

Like I'm not kidding, in the course of writing this, I've kind of forgotten what I said. I've been thinking so hard on it, that there's a swirl of thoughts in my brain and I can't remember which I've written or not. I was tempted to go read over everything and try and "correct" it or whatever, but no, fuck that. I wrote from my heart and I meant it.

Gonna try and focus on my goals. First is respond to those FA comments and the blog responses. I'll take it from there. There is an absolute -ton- I want to/have to do. Trust me, I know I have commissioners waiting on me for a -long- time now. I'm going to write about that subject in a blogpost asap as well. And I know I have a lot of people caring about me. I'm unbelievably lucky, and I'm thankful.

If I'm going to get this stuff done and learn to think more clearly, healthily, I have to start breaking it down into One. Thing. At a time. Maybe my blog can become that way as well.

If anybody reads this and it's incomprehensible, or repetitive, I'm sorry. I'm trying to make it better.